pressing need for us as parents is to encourage our children to speak to us and confide in us. This will prevent them from becoming victims of sexual crimes.
‘Mamma, I don’t like Sunil Uncle!’ said Anju as she fiddled with the cold rice and curry in front of her.
‘Don’t ever say things like that! Now finish what’s on your plate, you’ve been sitting with your lunch for so long. Hurry up!’
‘But M amma he keeps asking me to kiss him ...’
‘Quick , don’t waste time talking …’
How often a child is cut short, stopped, belittled by seemingly good parents who want to make the most sacrifices for the good of their children. Here is an incident where nine year old, Anju is trying to tell her mother Deepa, that something didn’t feel quite right with the way this particular ‘uncle’ was dealing with her. However, her mother chose to turn a deaf ear to this as Sunil was an influential family friend for years and her naughty little Anju was just acting over smart.
Sunil was so fond of Anju, after all. He would buy her sweets and keep her company when they were busy with other tasks. She calmed herself with these reasons, but deep down she was still upset. It sounded so familiar to her own ears because way back as a child she had those brief encounters with those ‘bad’ uncles who looked at her with a different gaze and touched her in strange ways which scared her.
Deepa was in a fix. Until now she had told no one about those ‘insignificant’ events .Yet when Anju told her what was happening she understood instantly and yet what could she do? Only tell Anju to keep quiet and deny it all.
What can you, as parents, do, to protect your child and prevent this rampant practice of sexual abuse?
Before we dwell further on this topic let us look at the types of child abuse specifically followed by child sexual abuse. Definitions propose four main types of child abuse (physical abuse, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, and child neglect), but rarely if ever, does one form of abuse occur alone. Many times a child who is sexually abused also goes through emotional abuse as a result. A child who is neglected by parents ( i.e., denied basic needs as well as denied personal attention and care) may also be subject to being violently beaten which is physical abuse.
Child sexual abuse can be defined as a form of child abuse in which an adult or older adolescent abuses a child for sexual stimulation. Overall, Indian children have been found to be victims of a slew of sexual crimes - rape, sodomy, exposure to pornographic material, fondling, forcible kissing and sexual advances, among others.
A nationwide study published in 2007 by the Ministry of Women and Child Development describes child sexual abuse to be common in our country. According to research 25 percent of our boys and 40 percent of our girls under 16 are victims to sexual abuse.
These alarming figures only shows that our children need to be protected.
What can we, as parents, do?
Through this article I wish to highlight some means by which we can equip and empower ourselves as parents and in turn help our children if they are victimized.
God has entrusted parents the important task of being good stewards of the children we are blessed with. We take this responsibility so seriously, often urging our children to by heart passages of scripture, expecting them to be well behaved, obedient etc. But, how much time do we spend with our children - just being with them and talking to them?
I’ve worked with many cases of children who are sexually abused and have been unable to confide the abuse to their parents or loved ones. They didn’t know how to talk about matters like this to their parents. Nobody would believe or understand them even if they did talk. On the other hand, they also experience terrible guilt over the issue.
When we turn the pages of scripture, we see how the Lord Jesus loved the little children. In Mark 10:13 when His disciples are about to send away the little children He rebukes them and says ‘let the little children come to me, do not hinder them. May the Lord help us be like Him as we try to reach out to His children.
The first key to prevention is the need to have a relationship with your children. To parents who still have young children - use opportunities to just listen to your children, understand their likes and dislikes, acquaint oneself with their daily activities, feelings, interests etc. Build a relationship. Parents often want to use each and every opportunity to talk to their kids, to lecture or advise. Instead, use at least 10 minutes – during which you refrain from doing anything else but ‘listen’ to your child.
Respect your child as an individual- Often there is a tendency to ‘talk down’ to children. Children are growing in all areas whether physical, emotional, spiritual or intellectual. However we need to treat them with love. And respect precedes love. When respected, the child will feel wanted, valued and trusted enough to confide in you.
- Simply listen when your child talks to you (Use encouragers like ‘hmm’, ‘okay’, nod ).
- Ask a question which gives your child an opportunity to talk. (How was your day?
What do you want for your birthday? Would you like to come with me to the shop?)
- Do some things together. (Playing a game, cooking, watching television).
- When making a decision, listen out to your child’s opinion, even if you don’t agree.
Educate Yourself- As a young girl, Raji entered her uncle’s house to find her two older cousin brothers watching a sexually explicit, violent video. They didn’t stop it as she entered but told her not to tell anyone else. Even as an older woman, till date, Raji is hooked on to pornography. How does it make her feel? Ugly, cheap, guilty …
Let’s break the myth that sexual abuse is a practice limited to the lower strata of society. It is present in our neighborhoods, even among our social circles! Are you, as a parent, aware that your child is a soft target to abusers lurking around? Yes, even if your child is only a ‘little’ child and doesn’t dress indecently.
Our television sets or books also show adults in sexual contact with one another. And our children cannot be insulated from all of this often. Are we giving them mixed messages as a result?
Let’s be responsible, cautious knowing that we are in this evil world. Even as we pray for our children take care of them as much as we can. I would like to share a few tips for us parents to keep in mind:
- Monitor/ be aware of what your child watches on television without being too overbearing. Placing the computer and television in a common place helps.
- Know who the people are that your children deals with (friend, uncle, van driver, neighbor etc).
- Understand the present generation and the challenges they face with regard to the sexual world.
- Recognize the fact that sexual abuse is real and happens everywhere.
Educate your child - Talking to your child about what is going to happen or happening to his/ her body is important. Many parents are too embarrassed, ignorant or hesitant to deal with this subject. Parents think that if they have come so far with half -baked information their children can manage too. And the schools can take care of this aspect in ‘biology class’. Few schools offer sex education and yet it is not a complete picture as it is rather impersonal. Parents, you have the privilege of explaining to your children in ways you can choose. Remember the information they glean now will affect your child’s attitude toward his /her body and self image, the opposite gender, marriage etc. Here is your chance to also impart moral and spiritual values / attitudes too.
The child then is more confident about understanding when there may be a strange look or sexual advances. Many children who are sexually abused are not being helped because they’re scared, embarra-ssed or shy to tell parents anything about the taboo word ‘sex’.
I know of one mother who found a good Christian book speaking about the many challenges faced by teens. This book included topics like bodily changes, masturbation etc. She placed this book in a prominent place where her son, an avid reader was sure to find and read it.
- Speaking to one’s child about their bodily changes is important. Pinki Virani, author of the book, ‘Bitter Chocolate’ says parents can term it ‘gender science’. Use other sources if you don’t feel competent enough to explain – such as books or a trusted friend.
- Do not leave your children alone with someone who you don’t know well. Children should always be left with a trusted person, whom you have watched and found to be trustworthy.
- Be sure to tell your child that he/she must immediately tell you if there is anyone who touches them in their private parts or deals roughly with them.
Many children who have become victims of child sexual abuse are left with scars varying from depression to always feeling like victims throughout their lives.
- If your child has experienced sexual abuse, be gentle with her / him listen, talk and support. Take your child to a good counselor, do not blame. There is hope, for, the Lord is our Father, Comforter and Healer.
LET THE LITTLE CHILDREN COME